FILM WEDNESDAY: Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

This film surprised me. The trailer made it seem stupider than it actually is. It’s still kinda stupid, but it’s that kind of stupid that you still find awesome, you know?

It’s really witty, too, and the main characters, Hansel and Gretel, are far from being the innocent children from the fairy-tale we’re familiar with. They’re witty, funny, and most importantly, incredibly badass witch hunters (especially Gretel).

The story is interesting, and always exciting. There’s a little bit of everything (i.e. comedy, romance, drama), but mostly lots of action. Pretty/handsome people everywhere. Ugly people, too. It’s just great!

Of course it still falls victim to some of Hollywood’s cliches, but I assure you this film is much better than it sounds.

FILM WEDNESDAY: Lilo and Stitch

Reasons to love Lilo and Stitch:

Lilo is the cutest little toddler ever. She’s so weird, but that’s why I love her.

Stitch is the cutest alien ever.

So of course they met and became best friends instantly.

Nani is the best big sister ever.

Lilo uses practical voodoo to punish her “friends.”

She also takes pictures of fat people as a hobby, because she thinks they’re incredible and beautiful.

Then the super scary spy’s name is… Bubbles. Yes. Bubbles. I just love it.

And finally,

what makes this movie the best movie ever is….

Elvis.

And Lilo’s obsession with him.

The part where she’s mouthing the words to the lyrics while being annoyed at Nani and her friends is magnificent.

Just watch this.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Dammit Brazil. I mean, I knew we were gonna lose but, WOW. Let me just say, wow. You guys really took losing to another level.

Brazil didn’t lose. It was massacred. Destroyed. Raped. It was totaled by Germany.

And Germany deserved winning. Brazil did terrible today. No, not terrible. They were just out of this world bad. Unbelievably bad. Just downright awful. Stupendously disastrous. Fantastically magical.

How?

HOW?

Not 1×0. Not 2. Not 3. No, not 4. 5? No. 6? I wish.

S.E.V.E.N.

SEVEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7×1

I am speechless. Honestly, I have no words. My fellow Brazilians are also pretty stunned. Some couldn’t take it and broke into tears, poor things.

But it was great. I had a good laugh. It was so mind-blowing I couldn’t do anything but giggle hysterically the entire time. After about thirty-five minutes I was already rooting for Germany to go ahead and finish things up, going for 10 x 0. Who’s caring?

Also, I think my entire neighborhood wants me dead now. In the saddest part of the game, when Germany scored the seventh goal (SEVENTH OMFG) I ran out to the balcony and screamed:

“VALEU ALEMANHÃ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CHUPA DILMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! VAI ARGENTINA!!!!!!!!!! AMANHÃ A HOLANDA É SUA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

(translation: Thanks Germany! Fuck you Dilma! Let’s go Argentina! Tomorrow Holland is yours!)

Yes, I have a bit of a death wish. Yes, I’m also kind of evil and take pleasure in making people angry when it comes to sports. MUAHAHAHAHA.

There’s really nothing to say.

At least this just brings Dilma that much further from being president ever again!!!! Take that, you cow!!!! THE THINGS I WOULD DO TO SEE THAT WOMAN HAND THE WINNER’S CUP TO LEO MESSI!!!!!! THE THOUGHT!!!! IT HURTS EVEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHICH REMINDS ME!

WHAT TO DO NOW??

ARGENTINA! ARGENTINA! WOOHOOOOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! VIVA MESSI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep, I have converted entirely. I now cheer for the enemy. Honestly, I’ve always wanted to, just because of Messi, and like I hinted at before, it’ll be the most humiliating outcome for Dilma and her pack of corrupt dogs.

Also, and perhaps most importantly, Argentina only has two World Cup titles, while Germany has three, so if they win over Holland (which I kind of hate because they’re the ones who eliminated Brazil in 2010), then Argentina has to beat Germany, or else Germany is going to be that much closer to having five stars on their shirt, WHICH ONLY BRAZIL CAN HAVE, OKAY?! (Excuse me while I go eat my feelings now.)

(Let me just say that right now all of my Argentinian friends are actually terrified of what awaits them. BUT THEY ARE NOW WHO I CHEER FOR SO CHIN UP SONS, LET’S MAKE HOLLAND AND GERMANY OUR BITCHES)